by Carol Spartano, Support Teacher

“It’s mine”, “She took my toy!” or “He won’t play with me!” These kind of statements coupled with tugs, pushes and cries are typical reactions when young children interact with each other. Resolving conflicts peacefully is an important skill for children to learn both in the classroom and at home. It is a central part of our curriculum here at Jowonio. The goal of conflict resolution is not to eliminate conflict, but to help children to learn to problem-solve with each other in a peaceful manner. Conflicts are a natural part of life and, if handled constructively, can lead to growth and progress. We want children to learn empathy and assertiveness so that they can have their own needs met, but not at the expense of others. The following is a step-by-step process we have used to resolve conflict, based on the approach in the book, Talk It Out: Conflict Resolution in the Elementary Classroom.

Stop and Cool Off
Approach the children who are in conflict in a calm manner. Stop any aggressive behavior first. If the children are arguing about a toy, ask to hold the object during this process telling the children, “I’ll hold onto this ____, until we figure out a solution to our problem”. Some children may need a few moments to cool down before talking, while others want to get right to it. Some suggestions for cooling down may be taking a drink of water, walking to a neutral spot (a “talking corner”), taking deep breaths or counting to 10.

Gather Information
Our role as an adult in these situations is as a facilitator. Use a calm and neutral voice and ask each child clarifying questions, “What happened?” or “What’s the problem?” Get information about their feelings “How did that make you feel?” or for those that are not able to label their feelings, make a guess, “You look mad.”

Restate Information
Restate what you have heard each child say for clarification. “Joey, you want the _____ and Sarah you want the ________ too. You are both mad.”

Think of Ways to Solve the Problem
Ask each child, “How can we solve this problem so that you will both be happy?” Many young children need some help at this at first, so making suggestions is often necessary, “How about if you use the ball together, rolling it back and forth to each other?” As quickly as possible we should leave the brainstorming to them, so that they do not learn to rely on the adults for this process.

Pick a Solution Together
As ideas are generated, ask each child if they are okay with the solutions. Brainstorm further ideas until one is mutually agreeable. This could take a while! Recording their ideas on paper with words/and or drawings can be a good way of indicating to children how important this process can be. This written document can also be used as a neutral and concrete method to review what has been decided and can be referred to later on.

Support Follow-through
Help children to follow-through with their plan. Offer congratulations for working together.

Besides this on-the-spot conflict resolution process, many of our classrooms also use a more direct means of teaching conflict resolution techniques. Teachers role play conflict situations that may be occurring in the classroom. The students are then asked to generate solutions for the problem. These ideas are posted and the teachers re-enact the situation using the student’s ideas. These posters are then hung up in the classroom as reminders and sent home as a discussion-starter at home.

Books, games and songs that highlight people resolving conflicts in a peaceful manner are also great vehicles for teaching pro-social behaviors. But perhaps the most important way to have an impact on developing cooperation and empathy is through modeling these behaviors in our own interactions with others. Children are great observers of our actions and our language. They learn what it means to care for others by observing how we are with them and with each other, at home and at school. Children do learn what they live.

Porro, Barbara. Talk It Out. Conflict Resolution in the Elementary Classroom.
Alexandria, Virginia: Association for Supervision and Curriculum Development, 1996.

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