By Carol Spartano, Support Teacher

Teaching and parenting young children can be such a joyous experience. It can also be frustrating at times, as children learn to define themselves not only in the content of a loving relationship, but also in challenging the limits and ideas imposed on them both at home and school. It is important to remind ourselves that a child’s willful behavior is developmental in nature. It is the way any child learns to test out what they can and cannot do. They look for ways to control their world by “pushing the limits” to experiment with causality and their own identity. This is a necessary part of any child’s growth in becoming a confident adult. How we interact with our child when they are acting willful will have an impact on how they perceive the world. Probably the most important thing we as parents and teachers can do is to assure that children continue to feel safe; this sense of safety is influenced by adult reactions to their behavior, as well as through the establishment of predictable routines and expectations.

As Marianne Neifert, M.D. writes in her article Love and Limits for Parenting Magazine, “(Discipline) is about teaching, guiding, being a good role model, and providing structure in your child’s life, all of which lays the foundation for the development of lifelong self-discipline”. Her perspective is similar to many others that we value such as Dorothy Corkille Briggs, Dr. Berry Brazelton, Dr. Ross Green, Dr. Stanley Greenspan, and even Mr. Rogers! They all would agree that the best approach to raising respectful, responsible and happy children is to set clear limits through a democratic process, and to enforce these limits with empathy and affection. Dorothy Corkille Brigg’s book “Your Child’s Self-Esteem” was written in 1970, but its message is timeless. She establishes that within a household, in which decisions are made in a climate of mutual respect and involvement, children will develop a feeling of being valued with an inherent positive self-esteem. Children learn best to cope with life’s decisions, rather than responding only to someone else’s will. She further contends that this self-esteem is what leads people towards future success and happiness.

All of these authors would also agree that learning takes place best within the context of a warm and loving relationship. Our words and body language should hold a consistent message of caring and of valuing each individual for their strengths. Dr. Stanley Greenspan uses these ideas within his developmental teaching approach “Floortime”, in which a time is set aside each day to actively and without interruption interact with a child one-on-one, by following a child’s interest and motivations. He states that by linking a child’s emotions to their behavior and words in a purposeful way, instead of learning by rote, you teach a child to relate to you and the world in a more meaningful, spontaneous and warm manner. For children who are displaying more problem behaviors, McGee, Menolascino, Hobbs, and Menousek (1987) use the principles of teaching within the context of a relationship in their approach called “gentle teaching”. In this approach, teachers hold unconditional positive regard towards each student. Problem behaviors are prevented or ignored, and the child is redirected into other tasks that will develop mutual positive interactions.

There are many children who display a range of behaviors that are more problematic in nature, and may need specialized attention. Beyond a basic positive approach, a more systematic approach may be helpful. Looking at behavior as a way that a child communicates his/her needs within the context of any given environment is a fundamental notion in a functional problem-solving process. To understand what a child is trying to tell you by their actions (communicative intent), you must understand the context. A single behavior may mean different things in different situations. The first step in this type of intervention is to observe the child closely within their environment while answering the wh-questions (when, where, with whom, what is nature of activity, and most importantly a hypothesis for why the behavior is occurring- it’s communicative intent). From there an intervention plan is set up by changing the variables within the environment that lead the child to inappropriate behaviors (e.g. making the directions clearer), teaching children new behaviors to replace the ones that are unsuccessful, and a plan for responding to behaviors in the form of rewards or natural consequences. For an intervention plan to be most successful, an emphasis on prevention and teaching is the key.

Dr. Ross Greene, in his book The Explosive Child adds that for children with more impulsive and explosive natures, it is important for adults in that child’s life to clarify priorities within any intervention. He thinks about this in a creative way using the principle of “baskets, A-B-C”. Behaviors that are in basket A are things that are considered unsafe behaviors. These are behaviors that are worth stating clearly”NO” and for weathering a tantrum (e.g. stepping out into the street). Behaviors in basket B are behaviors that you would like to teach a child, but can be handled over time and are considered the goals (e.g. going to school on time). These behaviors are to be discussed with the child, from the perspective of both the child and adult, with the emphasis on problem-solving a solution that would meet both parties’ needs. Behaviors in basket C are behaviors that are not of significance at this point and can be tolerated or ignored (e.g. having a cookie with the morning breakfast). Throughout his approach is always the notion of mutual respect and learning within the context of a mutually satisfying relationship.

In any approach to teaching, the most important aspect is modeling. We as adults have an important role in modeling the very behaviors we would like to see in our children. The importance of caring for others, cooperation, problem-solving, and confidence are all things that we can demonstrate to our children through our everyday interactions with them and others.

For further reading, the following list is a short sample of authors that are thoughtful in their approach to teaching young children:

Briggs, Dorothy Corkille. (1970). Your Child’s Self Esteem. Dolphin Books,
Brazelton, T. Berry and Sparrow, Joshua D. (2001). Touchpoints. Reading, Mass.: Perseus Publishing.
Faber, Adele and Mazlish, Elaine. (1980). How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk.
New York: Avon Books.
Greene, Ross W. (2001). The Explosive Child. New York: Quill Publishing.
Greenspan, Stanley and Weider, Serena. (1998). The Child with Special Needs. Reading, Mass.: Perseus
Books.
Kranowitz, Carol. (1998). The Out of Sync Child. New York: Perigree Publishing.
McGee, J.J., Menolascino, F.J., Hobbs, D.C., and Menousek, P.E. Gentle Teaching. New York: Human
Science Books.
Nelson, Jane. (1987). Positive Discipline. New York: Ballantine Books.
Rogers, Fred. (1983). Mr. Rogers Talks with Parents. Berkley Books.

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