by Krista Williams, School Psychologist

Preschool is a great place for children to make new friends. Often preschool classrooms are the setting for our children’s first “best friends”. The classroom can provide the structure and guidance for those “rookie” relationships. These new friendships are very powerful for the preschooler. Preschoolers unfortunately do not have a lot of power in their lives, so their ability to choose with whom they would like to play is a great way to express their independence. Furthermore, to be chosen as a special friend, and have those friendship feelings reciprocated, feels fantastic for children.

A perfect extension for these first time classroom friendships are playdates. Playdates can be a logical next step for new friendships, or they can provide the background and confidence to foster relationships within the school setting. Sometimes the school setting may be too busy of a place for those quiet moments together that help to start a new friendship. A playdate with just two children in a neutral place, or home setting, may help to lay the groundwork for a school friendship.

Opportunities to play with one peer can be an important part of social development. Playdates can provide children with try out social skills outside of the school structures. Sharing their homes and families with others allows a child to feel proud, confident, and independent. Alternatively, visiting another’s home, family or sharing another’s favorite outing helps to expand a child’s experiences, take another’s perspective, and appreciate another’s family life. The skills children use in school to navigate through social situations may be different that those needed to participate in a successful playdate. The fondness that a child feels for a special new friend helps them to learn difficult skills like sharing, following another playmate’s agenda, waiting, manners and many others. Some of the greatest benefits of promoting friendships outside of school are seen in the increased confidence the child shows when in school. Playdates can bring a greater sense of security in the classroom to take social and learning risks, encourage expanded play, and help to ease separation anxiety.

However, playdates don’t always go smoothly. One on one time with friends can be intense at first; perhaps a joint family outing with two families is a nice way to start. This provides the child with the security of their family, while giving ongoing adult modeling of prosocial behaviors. Inviting a parent to stay and chat in another room with the other parent during initial playdates is comforting for children. It is also a great way for adults to meet new friends.

Strategies that help make playdates more successful include:

• Allow your child to choose the playdate friend, or if your child has not yet made a special connection, ask the teacher who is a good match for your child and check it with your child.

• An hour is a good time frame to start with. You may increase it to two hours when children become older and more comfortable with each other outside of school.

• Put away favorite toys that your child has a hard time sharing with others.

• Provide a snack for the children within the playdate. This can be a “break” from the action, and is also a nice way to end a playdate and begin the transition towards good-bye time. Check ahead of time with the parent about preferred/allowed foods.

• Offering more structured activities in the beginning of the playdate, such as a game, puzzle, back and forth ball play, are good ways to “break the ice”. Once they are on their way, open-ended play, like pretend, may be more successful. Teachers and the peer’s parents can suggest favorite materials and activities.

• Have a light structure of events that you and your child have agreed upon in advance. For example: first we will play a game, then pretend play, then a snack, and finally good-bye time.

• Try to allow the children to work any issues out on their own, stepping in only when necessary. Redirection, modeling, and gentle teaching are appropriate ways to intervene.

• Give warning before transitions and good-bye time.

Having good friends helps a child to feel important, special and wanted. Providing opportunities for playdates out of school is important for social development and social success. Play dates can happen on the weekends, after school, during school vacations, or whenever is best for your family and your schedule. And as mentioned above, they can be short, so that they don’t cut too much into important family and “down time” or stress each children’s coping ability. Setting up playdates can sometimes seem like a lot of work and hassle, however, there are so many important benefits for your child. Creating connections with others within your school and neighborhood through playdates, helps your child to gain a stronger sense of community and pave their way into the world.

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