by Krista Williams, School Psychologist

Without exception, divorce is a significant event in an adult’s life and in the life of a child. As in any crisis there lies eventual opportunity: opportunity to grow, develop new skills, and strengthen relationships. Divorce is a time of difficult transition for the entire family. Parents can feel overwhelmed by guilt, anger and blame, feelings of failure, and sadness. Each parent goes through this crisis in their own way, and at their own pace. Parents must first be able to help themselves, before they can help their children. Allowing yourself to feel, is the first step in giving your child the right to feel. When children see adults expressing emotions, they learn that their own feelings are natural and OK. Helping yourself through the crisis can involve many supports and methods. Sharing thoughts and fears with supportive friends and family, exercising, spirituality, rest/sleep, reading and professional counseling are just a few ways to heal. It is imperative that parents develop healthy coping skills. Utilizing community resources to find support and build new relationships is a great step forward.

Children, as well as adults, all deal with divorce and their changing families in different ways. Listening and observing your child closely will help parents know what their children need most from them. Free play, art activities, writing, talking, and taking walks together are great opportunities for observation.

It is important to begin helping children going through a divorce at the time of the impending separation, when parents can prepare children for what lies ahead.
1. The first phase involves accurately describing the immediate changes that divorce and separation bring, and helping children differentiate between fantasy fears and what new reality will look like. At this time it should emphasized that divorce is a matter between adults, and that divorce is a “grown up” problem.
2. The second phase involves helping children to continue with their lives as soon as possible, and resume their normal activities and schedules. Try to maintain family routines and continuity as much as possible. During this transition time it is imperative that children see both parents on a frequent and regular basis. Children need reassurance repeatedly about what the future will look like, and that some relationships are changed by divorce, and some are not. It is necessary to reassure children often, that although men and women may decide to not be husbands and wives, they never stop being mothers and fathers.
3. The third phase involves helping children accept the permanence of the divorce and the new situation. Denial is a natural part of this acceptance. Denial helps children confront the reality of the divorce little by little. Reading age appropriate books together about divorce and divorced families can be helpful. Connecting children with other children who have successfully experienced divorce helps them to see a positive future. Listening attentively to children sharing their feelings and concerns is always imperative. Encouraging expression of their feelings in lots of different ways; (writing, talking, playing together, etc.) will always be important, throughout their development. Coping with divorce is an ever-changing process, with new challenges and questions as the child matures and grows.

The despair of divorce does not last forever. The late Mr. Rogers from Mr. Rogers Neighborhood often wrote and talked about divorce and helping children through hard times. He helps us remember that in hard times, it is most important to have the courage to be, fully, the courage to feel fully, and the courage to reach out for help and keep on going. Simply, to keep putting one foot in front of the other, until times get better again (Rogers, Fred. Very Hard Times).

Below are just a few resources available for families dealing with divorce.

Children’s’ Books for Preschoolers:
Two Homes by Claire Masurel
It’s Not Your Fault Koko Bear by Vicki Lansky
My Family’s Changing by Pat Thomas

Adult Books:
Mom’s House, Dad’s House: Making Two Homes For Your Child by Isolina Ricci
Helping Your Kid’s Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way by Marc Nueman, Patricia Ronanowski, Sandra Blakslee, Judith S. Wallerstein

Community Resources:
Branch Out and Grow, separation and divorce support group in Syracuse (472-6754)
Children First, A Child Centered Information Program (445-5606)
Mental Health Association (445-5606)

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